This blog records first-hand experiences by the author on how overrated emotional & physical intimacy in the 21st century really is! Words of Advice: Approach all such events with extreme caution. In the event, you fall prey to any, or all of these, get really drunk and pass out on your bed. Alone.
I get carried away pretty easily sometimes. Case in point: I almost went running right back to my ex. Phew! Disaster averted there!
My question to people out here (hopefully reading my blog):
Is it EVEN possible for a guy to hold on to the memory of a girl he used to know from three years ago? Can it EVER be possible for him to never forget about her even while dating other girls and being in a relationship with someone else and while having sex with someone else? Even after being so incredibly hot and desirable to like every girl who walks past him?
You see, there was a time—yes, there was—when I was an innocent girl straight out of college. I had, as Drew Barrymore put it, ‘never been kissed’ before and had all her special lady parts intact and sacred and up for pedestalisation (I made up that word), anointment and all that jazz. Personally, now that I have lost it, while I was losing it and just before I could lose it, I realised that losing it and the hullabaloo surrounding it is all balls! It’s just overrated, like a lot of things are—chocolate, weekends, partying, doing drugs, smoking up and having sex (yes, it’s true). Now, I’ll have you know, I have never done drugs or smoked up—the ideas seem pointless to me anyway. Also, in defence of sex, I have had some pretty bed-breaking, mind-blowing encounters there but, well, sometimes, it’s just not everything!
Coming back to my initial point. Yes, there was a time when I was innocent and I thought that first kisses were the real shit and sparks actually flew and being with a guy was meant to be special—right from the moment he held your hand to the time he undressed you tastefully. Well, here’s news: It’s all bullcrap. In fact, and I stress on this one, a guy undressing you in the heat of that moment is actually pretty untidy. But, more details on that later.
Here’s my break down on the hyped bullshit that girls go bat-shit crazy about for no particular reason and that make me act like Grumpy Cat Incarnate!
First kisses are overrated. Unfortunately yes. There is no perfect first kiss when you close your eyes and see the universe unfold in front of your eyes. More than half the time, you’re either wondering why the fuck is he using so much tongue anyway, or why his lips don’t taste like mint, or cinnamon or one of those nice fairytale-like smells. Result: After the kiss you’re like, ‘I think I’ll just go home and sleep this away’, in your head, of course.
First dates are overrated. Specially so if you’re a girl like me. I happen to like the chase. Once I have got the “McDreamy” to ask me out, I am like, ‘Okay, so now that I got to check that off my list, what next?’ Yeah, that. So, the result is you’re sitting in this place you decided to go have coffee and you have nothing to contribute to a one-sided conversation. I mean, there he is telling you how his life is and how his philosophy works and how he doesn’t care what his family thinks about who he sees or wants to end up spending his life with and all you’re thinking is, “Is he really saying all of that?” “Are we going to get married now?” “Oh God, what if his family is actually like The Adam’s Family monsters?” “What time is it?” “When will this be over?” “Why am I not getting any urgent calls?” “Does nobody need me?” yada, yada, yada…
Losing your virginity is overrated. Actually, it’s one of the most overrated things in the history of overrated things. It’s like you think you’re preparing for the best night of your life and you imagine that his first touch is going to make your skin come alive (seriously?) and you will feel the chemicals inside of you rushing towards wherever they are supposed to rush and all. And then, cut to the real deal. You start kissing passionately… or so you like to believe but there is just too much tongue. But you just go with the flow. You try to sensualise it because maybe that’s how you ‘get in the groove’. Before you know it, you’re down to business and you don’t even know what business that is and you’re just lying there wondering if every time you get nasty it’s going to be this torturous to your bones and muscles and so on. But, hey, guess who’s being a woman tonight?! So you put on your sexy brave face that says how much you just ‘loved what happened, let’s go again!’ Inside, you’re screaming, ‘Can you please go home? There’s blood on my bed and you look freaked out and I think I just got my period but I didn’t and I feel like an injured kitten so, no doggie style for you tonight, or any other night, goodbye!’ And then, before you know it, it’s over and you thank Heavens and you’re like, “That’s the shit they made such a big fucking deal about?!” You realise, you’d have been just as happy with a box of really expensive and rich chocolates. So, BAM! There you go! *Bubble bursts and you fall on that cute li’l arse that’s red with all the ‘you-know-what’*
Letting the other person undress you—most overrated thing ever, after the losing ‘It’ part, of course. Oh, why, you ask? You li’l cute thing! Well, it’s because your bras get entangled with fingers, arms, sometimes legs and so do your panties. Panties, also get stuck half way down there. And as for the guy, you’d be surprised every time you remove one layer of clothing. I mean, it’s like the cloth never ends! Yeah, the whole concept of tasteful undressing is bullshit and if it were an ad to be sold, I would sew the adman who came up with it! Damn right, I want my money back! And a new set of drawers maybe, since we’re negotiating.
So, yeah, I think that when it comes to emotional and physical intimacy, the above mentioned things are overrated and bear no resemblance, whatsoever, to any character, place, animal or thing, seen on television, movies (porn, anime and mainstream), video games and music videos. Approach all of these with caution, I repeat. Do not be fooled.
And with the thought that I have educated you better than most of your sex-ed classes ever did, I sign off.
Until next time,
Your friendly next-door girl (NOT),