It’s a lovely morning in the capital. I know because I look out the window and I can almost feel it.
I think. And then I feel a faint smile spread across my face. I’ve come a long way from where I used to be. And yet, I am starting out.
For the first time in my life, I am happy being where I am even though I haven’t arrived at where I want to be. For the first time, in ages; maybe even years, I feel calm and peace of mind. I feel light. Not a lot of people can feel that way.
I have people to thank – my mother, father, my brother who, as young as he is, tried to be my elder brother, I have a few good friends to thank. They took me out of my darkness. They showed me the light.
But, most of all, I have God to thank. He never let me down. He didn’t give up on me, never judged me or doubted me; not once. Even when I judged and doubted myself.
I have seen darkness and in that darkness, I contemplated sinking deeper. I didn’t. There was always something pulling me; holding me back, like an anchor. Even when I was alone in the dark of the night, hiding inside the walls of my house, there was someone else sitting with me; watching over me, taking me through that cold and lonely night. I couldn’t see Him; I never paid heed to His words and may have even disappointed Him. But, he never gave up on me.
Only God knows I would not have made it through that night. And only God knows how I did because he helped me do it. He helped me close my eyes and wipe away the tears and try and sleep on all the troubles I had. He made sure I woke up the next morning to a brighter day, even when all I could see was my soul being engulfed into a black hole. I had no control over myself anymore. I was drifting away and I let that take over me.
He brought me to the brink just so I would know I had to turn away from all that was hurting me. He held on to me when I was standing at the edge of the cliff; he kept me from falling off that edge. I didn’t see why He wouldn’t let me just fall. I didn’t see how I was hurting Him by hurting myself; by giving up on His creation. I was blinded by hurt, anger, despair and I couldn’t see myself the way He saw me. I didn’t know who I was; but he did. He always has. He knows the reason why I was brought into this world because he is the one who sent me here. I have a purpose. That’s the reason why I couldn’t fall off the edge that night. I was not meant to.
I am thankful to him for keeping me safe when I was toxic to my self. I am thankful to Him for getting me through that dark and endless night. I am thankful to him for walking with me when I was alone and for carrying me when I couldn’t walk.
Today, as I write this, I know that I have been through a kind of hell that is not meant for everyone; only the really strong ones can brave it. I know that when I say that I have come a long way, I don’t just mean financially or professionally; I also mean spiritually. I have seen the darkest parts of my soul and I know, now what I am capable of doing – to and for myself. I have come a long way from being broken, burned and ruined.
For me, that is nothing short of an achievement. But, for Him, it is the obvious truth. He always knew I’d get through it. He had me.
I am thankful to Him for having faith in me even when I didn’t have faith in Him. Even when I questioned him and doubted him, he stayed silently, waiting to show me the truth when the time was right.
I have a long way to go. But, I know that I will achieve all that I am meant to, as long as I have Him with me.
I have come a long way from where I was. I have a long way to go from where I am.
I know I’ll get there, with a little faith and a little help from God.
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