What is love?
I have asked myself this question for a long time. I do know what it means. But, it’s just that, time and again, we like to contort the meaning of love to suit our own whims and fancies. We like to believe that our first crush is love; the first person we date is love; the first person who breaks our hearts is love; the first person we sleep with is love, and so on. Maybe, to some degree these do have some aspect that closely resembles love – fascination, lust, want, need, desire, etc. We do associate these adjectives with love. But, love is more than just a few mere words. Love isn’t just a date, a crush or a fling. Neither is it sex. No. Love is above this all.
Love is when you can be miles apart and, yet feel like you are connected like the two of you are sitting just next to one another. Love is when the other person has the ability to challenge your person in every way possible. Love is when you are saved by one person in every way that a person can be saved (I took this one from Titanic and it’s true). Love is when you feel connected body, mind and soul. It’s when you know that you stand a chance to lose that one person and it makes you insecure. But, it wouldn’t matter to you as long as it means that it’s what the other person wants. It’s when you feel that annoying ache in the middle of your chest which goes all the way down your left hand to your ring finger because there is a nerve that connects directly to your heart. That’s what heartache is.
But, love is also that misleading rogue that twists your heart into any shape it wants and creates an illusion which makes you lose all sense of logical reasoning. Love is a magician. It may, from time to time, make you see things that aren’t there and make you feel things that paralyse your sense of judgement.
Why I say this?
Because I am the disillusioned fool who has woken up from that enchanted state of mind. It’s that state of blinding which you get accustomed to and then you start seeing things around you just the way they are, or ought to be. Only, it’s too late because by that time, you will have already gone too deep in to the tunnel and the only way out is the way forward. And it’s not just about me. At some point in our lives, we will all have passed through this blinding tunnel. It’s true; a hard truth.
Remember the time when you were sleeping with that someone and meant for it to go nowhere? The sex was good. The sex was great. It was all great – whatever you had, you said to yourself. And that was the first sign and you missed it. At some point, it stopped being only about sex. It turned into something else. And soon he found solace in you and you were trying to stay indifferent. That, too was a sign. You denied it. Then you started moving away because you were scared that you might have had something more than just the sex; that maybe the bed (and/or any other place you did it) wasn’t the only thing you had been sharing after a point. Then, you argued because you didn’t know what else to do and that was the end of that.
Remember the time when you had a crush on that girl who you thought was the most beautiful girl you had ever seen? And you couldn’t stop looking at her, like she was an angel of salvation who had come to save you from eternal damnation. And then you grinned like an idiot and tried to tell her but, never really got down to it. And then she went and friend-zoned you and you felt your whole world crashing in.
What about that girl you left for someone else? The one you had long conversations with about life, love, music, childhood and other irrelevant stuff – do you remember her? She was the girl you met at a random gig. She was the random one. But, she was also the only one who cared for you like no one else had ever done before. She was the one who made you feel different about yourself whenever you were with her. You could forget the bad stuff, all the negativity the people around you brought. She made you feel special, like the only guy in the world. She was your best friend. But you never actually told her because you don’t do that. You are the alpha male who has the ladies waiting for you to talk to them and get into bed with them. You have a reputation of being the quintessential ladies’ man. She knew that, didn’t she? She just didn’t give a shit about what you were to others. She was too honest to be just another girl you could sleep around with. She was the only one who didn’t want to sleep around with you. And she was the only one you didn’t just want to sleep around with. You wanted to wake up to her face every morning for the rest of your life. You wanted to kiss her lips like your whole life depended on it. She melted your heart and had the power to turn you into a fool in love. But you never said it. Then one day, you became scared. You didn’t know how to give up everything for one person who meant the world to you. You didn’t want to lose her. But, you wanted your options. You were scared that you would break her heart. So, you took a step backwards. And you broke her heart.
Love changes you. It changes you in every possible way that it possibly can. It turns the wise into the fool and the wanderer into the seeker. It turns animals into humans and humans into animals. It shapes you and destroys you. It makes you happy, sad, angry, jealous, vulnerable and stupid. It fools you into thinking you have the world and it enlightens you to the world you could have. It makes you and it breaks you; only to make you again. Such is the power of love.
It changes your entire mind set. Maybe that guy whom you were just sleeping with will always paint your picture on every canvas or photograph every face that reminds him of you. Maybe the girl who friend-zoned you will harden your heart and turn you into a player because you just don’t have the emotional stamina to put yourself out there. Maybe that girl who’s heart you broke for loving her too much will never love again. Maybe you will never love anyone as much as you loved her, but you will live in denial just to prove a point. Maybe you will destroy yourself for denying your heart the truest kind of love it could ever feel. Maybe.
Who’s to say what love will do to you, or how it will leave you in the end. Who’s to say you will ever find the true love you seek or if you will ever love again. Love is unpredictable, like that. It finds you just when you aren’t looking at all. And it leaves you wanting; begging, even. I guess, you just make the most of it as long as it lasts and, in whatever small amount that it is available to you – a crush, a fling, or a soul mate.
Love is the opportunity. You just have to make the most of it anyway.